Sunday Morning Movies: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

The most insipid of romances continues plodding along towards whatever conclusion Stephanie Meyer has cooked up in the first part of the finale to the outrageously titled Twilight Saga.  This segment, Breaking Dawn, picks up where Eclipse left off with Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison) and Bella Swann (Kristen Stewart) getting ready for the big wedding.  Then they have the big wedding, and it is tedious as hell.  Then they have a honeymoon, where beds are broken and they run around and hilariously play chess – as though they ever stopped making moon eyes at each other long enough to work that out.  This might be the only time we’ve really spent anytime with them as a couple, and it comes in the form of a brisk montage so our understanding of how their relationship functions and what they actually see in each other is never advanced one iota.  Not that it’s a big deal or anything.  I gave up on that aspect of the story a long time ago and now simply accept that they Are.  

Water for Elephants (Fodder for Twihards?)

It’s the non-Twilight R-Patz movie. Yes it’s based on the (apparent) number-one best-selling novel by Sara Gruen. Yes it’s directed by Francis Lawrence, only his third feature film following Constantine and I am Legend. And yes it has some other well-known actors in it. Legally blondie, you know the one, and that guy from Inglourious Basterds, yada yada. C’mon guys, who cares…it’s Robert Pattinson! And let’s face it, to an army of hormonally overwraught Edward Cullen worshippers, it could be a four hour long documentary on the nature of excrement and no-one would care as long as RP graces the screen at least once with his oh so chiselled features.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Having seen the first two Twilight films, I figured despite their horrendous nature I might as well see it out as we’re so close to the end.  Unfortunately Hollywood has decided to capitalize on the phenomenon, I mean, give the final book and all its nuance what it really deserves by splitting it into two films, so it turns out I’m just past the halfway point.  With Eclipse we have, yet again, a new director in David Slade, the not untalented man behind the suspenseful two person drama Hard Candy and the perfectly reason vampire-action flick 30 Days of Night.  Faint praise it might be, but it is the best of series so far, though not by much and it still doesn’t approach anything resembling ‘passable.’